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Wannabe Secessionists, Please Go For It

by Abby Zimet

Now that the country has doomed itself by re-electing a commie Muslim Kenyan, unhappy residents of close to 30 states have filed petitions for secession in the right-wing, worst-case version of moving to Canada or Costa Rica. Petitions have come into the government's "We the People" website from expected places - Texas, Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi - and others less so: Oregon and New York? Interestingly, it turns out most red states are moochers and welfare queens who take more than they give in federal funds. We wish them godspeed, and good luck with their budgets. For a look at who the secessionists are, here's the guy who wants Alabama to leave the union. The new country will presumably have topless car washes for all.

Update: Now there's a new petition asking the U.S. to deport everyone else who wants to secede, AND one demanding a nationwide pizza party, to bring us all together, if Missouri succeeds in seceding. This is getting ridiculous.

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation."

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