Mitt Apologizes to All the Whores, Junkies, Beggars, Bums, Putrid-Smelling Masses and Urine-Soaked Derelicts Who Make Up Nearly Half the Country

by
Abby Zimet

You may be tired of all things Mittens by now, but check out his appeal for forgiveness from "the 150 million starving, filthy beggars," “hordes of uneducated, loathsome scum," and “dirt-caked garbage pickers and toothless street urchins” (he) might have offended with his now-famed 47% remarks. From The Onion, with a bonus Colbert rendering his message more "elegant."

“I am fully committed to building a better future for every American,and that means ensuring all 150 million grease-and-urine-soaked members of our society get a fair shake....In the coming weeks, I look forward to meeting real Americans in their squalid, roach-infested hellholes in every corner of this country..fighting your own family members for moldy crusts of bread as you wallow in your own excrement.”

 

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