Your Absolutely Positively Last Mortal Chance to Get It Together So Don't Say We Didn't Warn You

by
Abby Zimet

With the Rapture due very soon, people are facing some tough end-of-life-as-we-know-it questions, like what should I wear, do I get to sleep in, can I go off my diet, do I have to pay my parking tickets and what if the weather's crappy, like it has been for weeks now? But enterprising heathens are working hard to soothe our fears. The atheists of Eternal Earth-Bound Pets "are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus" and will care for your pets ($135); fans of Chick-Fil-A are politely claiming post-rapture franchises in their respective states; PETA members are preparing vegan Last Suppers; the Center for Disease Control has issued guidelines for surviving a "zombie apocalypse"; New York City's Mayor Bloomberg has suspended alternate side parking; lists of doomsday movies have been helpfully offered for your viewing pleasure; almost 700,000 people have signed up on Facebook's Post-Rapture Looting page; and rapture "art" is proliferating. If none of this helps, you can watch an animated, internationally flavored "End Of Ze World" video plus Bill Maher's Accu-Wrath Weather Report to afford you, by the grace of God, the final mercy of going down, or up as the case may be, laughing. Peace. And rapturous good luck.

And.....

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