NEW YORK -- February 23, 2007 -- A report in the Washington Post has revealed that chimpanzees in West Africa have been observed making spears from sticks "and using the tools to hunt small animals." The development has been cited as "the first routine production of deadly weapons ever observed in animals other than humans."

Reactions to the report were mixed. NRA spokesperson Wayne Lapierre enthusiastically embraced the news: "I say, welcome to the club! Humans aren't the only ones who need protection from threats to their homes and families. And now that animals are able to arm themselves, the gun control zealots won't be able to argue that no one needs to hunt with an AK-47."

Other analysts expressed alarm. Former UN Ambassador John Bolton said "It's clear that these chimps couldn't have developed this technology on their own. Mark my word, we will find the hand of the Iranian leadership behind this, as they try to destabilize West Africa and divert U.S. attention from their nucular program."

Vice President Cheney, who was busy provoking China during a brief trip to Asia, asserted that "nothing is off the table" as the US crafts a response to the arming of the chimps. He further argued that "this should finally put the lie to assertions by granola-eating, ankle-biting animal rights activists who claim that animals are innocent victims of human aggression."

Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Joseph Biden has a different perspective: "If the administration moves towards war with the chimps without seeking Congressional approval, they will spark a constitutional crisis."

Chimp spokesperson Howard Rubinstein termed the debate "much ado about nothing." He noted that "U.S. military spending is 600 trillion times what the chimps are spending, and spears are a poor match for tactical nuclear weapons."

In related news, Sen. Hillary Clinton argued that her term on the Senate Armed Services Committee made her "far more qualified" than her rival Sen. Barack Obama to deal with the "chimp crisis."

William D. Hartung is a Senior Fellow at the World Policy Institute in New York. Email to: hartung@newschool.edu

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