Failure is not an option. It’s standard! On every policy we make!
Name a policy, and it’s got failure! Guaranteed! Or your government back!
War in Iraq?
Failure, built in from day one! Go to war based on lies, go to war in a way that’s technically a war crime, that’s got failure, built in!
To make certain that it had failure, we went in without enough people do to the job!
And without a plan!
Post war (the Occupation or the continuing war or whatever you want to call it)?
We started with delusions about how the Iraqis would respond. Delusions are one of the firmest foundations for failure.
To make sure those delusions stayed in place until failure had really taken hold, we had the all the programs runs by incompetent cronies, anti-abortion activists, Republican contributors and assorted dingbats. And it worked! The occupation authority blew through more money than anyone can count – and nobody did count it, then or now, we’ve made sure of that - and achieved failure in everything they did! And nothing but failure!
To draw attention to that failure, we gave out the highest medals you can to the people who achieved it! That’s failure.
Hurricane in the Gulf?
We put ‘Good job’ Brownie in charge of FEMA. We staffed it with more cronies.
Nero could fiddle while Rome burned. That’s nothin’.
Our emperor, George Bush, played country music while New Orleans drowned.
After we saw the levees breached, we didn't tell the city or the state. Let them stop the evacuation. That way we could be sure that the old, the sick, and the crippled drowned. That’s failure.
After the city drowned, we promised to rebuild it. But we didn’t even pick up the trash! That’s failure.
Prescription drugs for Seniors?
We came up with a plan that will cost more than any other possible plan. Better than that, it’s racing to bankrupt the whole system.
Failure by design! Failure by intent! Failure on the grand scale.
War on Terror
We launched the War on Terror to get Osama bin Laden. And Mullah Omar. But that was too easy and too direct. That could have succeeded. So we stopped chasing them and did other things guaranteed to fail.
Instead of protecting ports and chemical plants, we spent billions to violate the constitution by spying on Americans and failed to catch anyone!
We needed an energy policy because importing oil accounts for 35% of our deficit in the balance of trade. Because oil money corrupts and destabilizes almost every nation that exports it. Oil contributes to unending war. Oil money supports terrorism.
The way we use energy contributes to global warming. Other countries are getting out ahead in the race to create alternative ways to create energy. So when we give up on oil, we’ll have to buy the technology from them.
Because, if we don’t have alternatives and conservation measures the cost of fuel will go up.
There were so many ways to do something successful.
But we managed to fail in every way. We ran the table with failures. We think of our energy policy as the poster child for failure! (Along with Iraq. And getting Osama bin Laden and a bunch of other stuff).
We sold you our tax cuts with the promise that they would balance the budget, create jobs, and stimulate the economy.
And you bought that! You failed along with us! Congratulations on being part of our failure. We love you for it and we want to reward you with a giant debts and lowered expectations and a sense of insecurity.
As we snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, opium production is up and the Taliban are coming back. Our promise to you: no success will be left standing! No matter how good things look, we’ll find ways to muck it up! Here at the Bush Administration we understand that failure is Job #1.
Failure! Not, it’s not an option. It come standard. With everything we do. That’s our promise and we’ll keep it! Bush – we never fail to fail!
Another way to look at it, is that the phrase “Failure is not an option” is very clever.
It creates the illusion that failure has not already happened.
But it has. The war is already lost. It was lost by George Bush. The occupation has failed. Already. And irrevocably. It failed under George Bush. The whole effort or plan or whatever it was, to change the Middle East, has failed.
It is a rhetorical device that necessarily implies that failure will be what happens because of what is done now or in the future. Which – they hope – can be blamed on someone else. They should not be permitted to do that. Nothing that can be done now – short of a ten or twenty year commitment, that will require a draft, trillions of dollars, a new foreign policy and Bush to self-immolate in some way to restore the necessary moral authority to call for that – will change their failure.
Failure is not an option. Failure is the condition. Failure is what they’ve done. Failure is where we are. The question is what can we do about their failures.
Larry Beinhart is the author of Wag the Dog, The Librarian, and Fog Facts: Searching for Truth in the Land of Spin.