"Good evening, my fellow Americans.
"In 2000 when you overwhelmingly made the decision to elect me as your 43rd president, I knew the road ahead would be difficult. We have accomplished so much, yet challenges lie ahead.
"In the last six years we have been able to stop global warming. No one could have predicted the negative results of this. Glaciers that once were melting are now on the attack.
"As you know, these renegade glaciers have already captured parts of upper Michigan and northern Maine, but I assure you: We will not let the glaciers win.
"Right now, in the second week of May 2006, we are facing perhaps the worst gas crisis in history.
"We have way too much gasoline. Gas is down to $0.19 a gallon and the oil companies are hurting.
"I know that I am partly to blame by insisting that cars run on trash.
"I am therefore proposing a federal bailout to our oil companies because -- hey, if it were the other way around, you know the oil companies would help us.
"On a positive note, we worked hard to save welfare, fix Social Security and of course provide the free universal health care we all enjoy today.
"But all this came at a high cost. As I speak, the gigantic national budget surplus is down to a perilously low $11 trillion.
"And don't get any ideas. That money is staying in the very successful lockbox. We're not touching it.
"Of course, we could give economic aid to China, or lend money to the Saudis ... again.
"But right now we're already so loved by everyone in the world that American tourists can't even go over to Europe anymore ... without getting hugged.
"There are some of you that want to spend our money on some made-up war. To you I say: what part of "lockbox" don't you understand? ...
"As for immigration, solving that came at a heavy cost, and I personally regret the loss of California. However, the new Mexifornian economy is strong and El Presidente Schwarznegger is doing a great job.
"There have been some setbacks. ... Baseball, our national pastime, still lies under the shadow of steroid accusations. But I have faith in baseball commissioner George W. Bush when he says, 'We will find the steroid users if we have to tap every phone in America!'
"In 2001 when I came into office, our national security was the most important issue. The threat of terrorism was real.
"Who knew that six years later, Afghanistan would be the most popular spring break destination? Or that Six Flags Tehran is the fastest growing amusement park in the Middle East?
"And the scariest thing we Americans have to fear is ... Live From New York, it's Saturday Night!"
© 2006 Star Tribune