I've been wondering what's on this Gay Agenda that the charmingly winsome homophobes keep talking about.
I've never seen a copy of the Gay Agenda, but I figured there must be a piece of paper somewhere with the massively sordid details. After all, the uptight and sexually terrified radical right has gone all screechy about it again since "Brokeback Mountain" came to a theater near you - and a little bit too near them.
Now I guess it's a Big Ole Gay Agenda.
And that delightful little crowd out of Topeka, led by the Rev. Fred Phelps, has stepped up its "God hates fags" activity, too. Now they're picketing military funerals. Phelps claims our soldiers are dying in Iraq because God is mad that Americans have failed to string up every faggot from a nearby tree.
(This is the same crowd that showed up in New Paltz a couple of years ago to spread its message of hatred. In New Paltz, as you might know, people have been shirking their duty in terms of killing homosexuals, leaving them to roam the streets and impose their well-dressed gay lifestyle on innocent babies.)
Certainly, we have it on good authority from the anti-gay pseudo-Christian leaders that the Gay Agenda includes killing off decent, moral people. According to Pat Robertson, "Gays want to give people AIDS." Also, "Gays want to destroy Christians."
James Dobson, who heads the Focus on the Family Blah Blah Blah Group, says the main item on the Gay Agenda is to "abolish all 'age of consent' laws and recognize pedophiles as the prophets of a new order."
Then there's the ethnic cleansing item that Dr. Laura Schlessinger claims is on the Gay Agenda: "They want to permeate sperm banks with gay semen to perpetuate the gay gene," says the good doc.
And of course, the subtext of the Gay Agenda is to destroy the sacred institutions of marriage and family. Tall order, but apparently you can't overestimate what a determined gay person can accomplish, especially if it's a lesbian in comfortable shoes.
I find it hard to believe that these boundlessly miserable gay bashers with their mean, bitter God have actually seen the Gay Agenda. I'm not certain they've ever even talked to an actual gay person who has, perhaps, a copy of the Gay Agenda tucked away in his Italian-leather briefcase or her practical backpack.
So I decided to talk to a couple of gay people myself to see if they'd reveal to me the Gay Agenda. I confess I did not speak directly to the Head Homosexual, but I did have a chat with some average, everyday queers - friends of mine, actually, but that doesn't mean I have a bias here. I just asked the entirely objective question: What's on the Gay Agenda?
"Let me check," said Carl, as he pulled out his gay little Palm Pilot, which is where he keeps his own Gay Agenda. Here's what it said:
6 a.m. - treadmill in basement for 30 minutes
7 a.m. - eat breakfast (bowl of cereal, orange juice)
8 a.m.-5 p.m. - work
5:30 - hair appointment (well, he is gay, you know)
6 p.m. - dinner with Albert at Mom's
11 p.m. - home, watch Jon Stewart
But I wanted to know the LARGER Gay Agenda. So I asked Ted. And Ted, being just so generously Ted-like, pulled the official Gay Agenda out of his back pocket and showed it to me. It was written on Homosexuals "R" Us letterhead with a decorative rainbow across the top. Here's what it said:
Be left alone and not get the crap beaten out of us.
Do normal things, like get married and raise kids.
Hold down a good job and have health insurance for the whole family.
Grow old together and develop a bit of a paunch or big butt from a few too many marvelous dinners.
Stop having whom we share our bed with be of any interest whatsoever to anyone.
Urge those lovable homophobic pseudo-Christians to discover Jesus' true message.
There are 1,070 days 'til Inauguration 2009.
Beth Quinn's column appears on Monday.
© 2006 The Times Herald-Record