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An Open Letter to the NSA About My Wiretap
Published on Monday, February 13, 2006 by the Middletown Times-Herald Record (New York)
An Open Letter to the NSA About My Wiretap
by Beth Quinn

Dear National Security Agency,

As we all know now, you folks might be monitoring our phones on behalf of the president to discover whether weíre terrorists or maybe have impure thoughts.

So Iíve been thinking back on the phone conversations Iíve had with friends and family and family of friends and colleagues and people Iíve interviewed and the hardware store and that nutty librarian, trying to recall if perhaps I said anything that might have been misconstrued by your spooks.

And, innocent as all of those conversations were, I feel the need to clarify some of the remarks that may have been overheard and possibly regarded as suspicious.

It is for this reason I am writing to you.

First of all, I may have said something that could have come out sounding like, ďIím a Democrat.Ē If that happened, you should know that it was just a garbled line situation.

What I probably really said was, ďIím Adamís cat.Ē Thatís just a private joke I have with some friends, calling myself Adamís cat. Long story, but rest assured it doesnít have anything to do with bestiality. We live clean in our house.

Also, not that I want to turn my mother over to the authorities, but it was HER saying Bush looks like a chimpanzee, not ME. She gets her primates confused. Itís not her fault. Sheís really a good American when sheís thinking right.

You should also know that sometimes I practice lines for a play Iím performing in when Iím on the phone, so it might seem like Iím criticizing the president when I say, ďBush is a lying sociopath,Ē but thatís just good ACTING!

In the play, Iíve got the role of the crazy person, so Iím just doing method acting, trying hard to feel crazy and get into the character.

And that time I said I was planning to take knitting needles on the airplane and hijack the plane? What a goofy joke THAT was! Iím a knitter. Really! My aunt taught me knitting when I was 10.

Once, in high school, I even knitted a cover for the pole belonging to a pole vaulter I had a crush on, mainly because it ended up too long and skinny to be considered a scarf. Iím the type of person who just sits quietly in a corner and knits peculiar things.

Now, on the subject of God, you should know that Iím very similar to President Bush Ė really! Ė in that God talks directly to me, too, mainly on the telephone. I know, I know. His voice is amazingly similar to my husbandís Ė God works in mysterious ways Ė but who am I to argue with God when he says, ďLet us drinketh heavily of wine tonight to maketh the lies and blasphemy of the State of the Union speecheth more tolerableth.Ē I have no control over this kind of talk from God.

One other concern: Iíve told my friend in France, please never call me again. Not that I know any French people. If anyone called me from France, it was just a misdialing situation and it took us a while to realize we didnít know each other, which would account for why we were on the line for so long. Itís hard to determine whether you know someone if he doesnít speak English Ė they have a different word for everything in France.

And Iíd like to add, for the record, that Iím foursquare in favor of everyone speaking English. Itís the correct language, and I agree with Bush 100 percent about the immigrants. Whatever that policy is regarding guest immigrants versus illegals, heís probably right on the money.

I will confess to one thing, though. You know that time I called the Village Chinese Restaurant and asked for two egg rolls, a pint of wonton soup, an order of shrimp and Chinese vegetables and some General Tsoís? Can you find that in your records?

That was code.

Figure it out.

There are 1,077 more days ítil Inauguration 2009.

Beth Quinn's column appears on Monday.

© 2006 Times-Herald Record


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