Dear National Security Agency,

As we all know now, you folks might be monitoring our phones on behalf of the president to discover whether we’re terrorists or maybe have impure thoughts.

So I’ve been thinking back on the phone conversations I’ve had with friends and family and family of friends and colleagues and people I’ve interviewed and the hardware store and that nutty librarian, trying to recall if perhaps I said anything that might have been misconstrued by your spooks.

And, innocent as all of those conversations were, I feel the need to clarify some of the remarks that may have been overheard and possibly regarded as suspicious.

It is for this reason I am writing to you.

First of all, I may have said something that could have come out sounding like, “I’m a Democrat.” If that happened, you should know that it was just a garbled line situation.

What I probably really said was, “I’m Adam’s cat.” That’s just a private joke I have with some friends, calling myself Adam’s cat. Long story, but rest assured it doesn’t have anything to do with bestiality. We live clean in our house.

Also, not that I want to turn my mother over to the authorities, but it was HER saying Bush looks like a chimpanzee, not ME. She gets her primates confused. It’s not her fault. She’s really a good American when she’s thinking right.

You should also know that sometimes I practice lines for a play I’m performing in when I’m on the phone, so it might seem like I’m criticizing the president when I say, “Bush is a lying sociopath,” but that’s just good ACTING!

In the play, I’ve got the role of the crazy person, so I’m just doing method acting, trying hard to feel crazy and get into the character.

And that time I said I was planning to take knitting needles on the airplane and hijack the plane? What a goofy joke THAT was! I’m a knitter. Really! My aunt taught me knitting when I was 10.

Once, in high school, I even knitted a cover for the pole belonging to a pole vaulter I had a crush on, mainly because it ended up too long and skinny to be considered a scarf. I’m the type of person who just sits quietly in a corner and knits peculiar things.

Now, on the subject of God, you should know that I’m very similar to President Bush – really! – in that God talks directly to me, too, mainly on the telephone. I know, I know. His voice is amazingly similar to my husband’s – God works in mysterious ways – but who am I to argue with God when he says, “Let us drinketh heavily of wine tonight to maketh the lies and blasphemy of the State of the Union speecheth more tolerableth.” I have no control over this kind of talk from God.

One other concern: I’ve told my friend in France, please never call me again. Not that I know any French people. If anyone called me from France, it was just a misdialing situation and it took us a while to realize we didn’t know each other, which would account for why we were on the line for so long. It’s hard to determine whether you know someone if he doesn’t speak English – they have a different word for everything in France.

And I’d like to add, for the record, that I’m foursquare in favor of everyone speaking English. It’s the correct language, and I agree with Bush 100 percent about the immigrants. Whatever that policy is regarding guest immigrants versus illegals, he’s probably right on the money.

I will confess to one thing, though. You know that time I called the Village Chinese Restaurant and asked for two egg rolls, a pint of wonton soup, an order of shrimp and Chinese vegetables and some General Tso’s? Can you find that in your records?

That was code.

Figure it out.

There are 1,077 more days ’til Inauguration 2009.

Beth Quinn's column appears on Monday.

© 2006 Times-Herald Record

###