Every holiday shopper Liked Lowe’s stores A lot.
But the Grinch (aka Jerry Falwell) did NOT!
The Grinch hated Lowe’s during holiday season.
You might wonder why. It’s an odd sort of reason.

For you see, Lowe’s had hardware and plumbing and paint
And enough yard equipment to make the Grinch faint.
But the reason the Grinch hated Lowe’s was that they
Had for sale “Christmas” trees they renamed “holiday.”

And he also announced, with a sour, Grinchy frown
There were even more culprits, like Target and towns
That were trying to bring season’s greetings to all,
And not just to Christians who shop at the mall.

"It’s an ACLU plot!" he snarled with a sneer.
"They’re against Christmas, Christians, and all we hold dear!"

Just thinking about diverse faith populations
And the way the Supreme Court had urged toleration
And warned against making the public square stand
For one faith in the face of the many at hand,

Made the Grinch see a bright shade of seasonal red.
(He viewed civil liberties lawyers with dread.)
“You just wait ‘til Alito ascends to the Court,” said the Grinch as he shook his fist backwards and forth.

Then he growled and he grinched. (He was over the top.)
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas on top!"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know JUST what to do!" The Grinch laughed to himself
(which made him look more like an oversized elf).
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!” "We’ll threaten to boycott! They’ll all give in quick!"

"All I need is exposure..." The Grinch looked around.
But with wars and disasters,‘twas none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't get exposure, I'll make some instead!"

So he called Bill O’Reilly, his personal flack,
And together they plotted their Christmas attack.
With conservative show hosts and old Fox News anchors
They’d mobilize Christians (and fundraise like bankers).

So they said, “Friend or Foe – Us or ACLU!”
They urged all to boycott, they’d help people sue.
“We’ll make Christmas safe, for all Santas and elves.
We’ve got to commercialize Christmas or else!”

They ignored, in the process, good folk of the cloth
Who warned them they’d mixed up the Bible with froth
And had focused on Roman Saturnalia and sloth.

“With Jesus born humbly midst Wise Men on knees,
Christmas day was not ever about tinsel and trees,”
Said the ministers. “Open the secular fest
To Christians and Muslims and Jews and the rest.”

But that did not stop the old Grinch and his friends
Who were clearly less worried about means than the ends.
His Grinchiness jeered, “We've gone on the offensive.
We're kicking their butts and they’ve gotten defensive.”

And indeed, all the Lowe’s stores and others as well
Called their holidays “Christmas” to stave off the swell.
And the Senators spent precious time on the floor
Talking “Christmas” or “holiday,” rather than war

And the Grinch and Bill laughed with a mad sort of glee
At the letters and money they’d managed to free
And the outrage they’d sparked with their “holiday” spree
Making stores safe for Christians (the hypocrisy!)

For as much as the Grinch made things sound like fair play
All the nonsense he spouted was aimed the wrong way.

See, Christmas is all about peace and good will,
Which the Grinch DOESN’T want in abundance UNTIL
Only Christians control every valley and hill
And the Jews and the Hindus and all who lack Yules
Must defer to the mass and majority rules.

But Grinch Falwell can’t stop us from festing this year.
Of course not! No, they’re not his fests to declare.
For Hanukkah, Christmas, and Ramadan too
Live safely in hearts of all people like you.

And no government officer, petty or high,
No celebrity, preacher or corporate guy
Can decree how you worship or deign to decide
If you worship at all. That’s for you to decide.

And none of these holidays comes from a store.
And all of them really mean so much, much more.

So celebrate all of you, believer or no.
May the spirit of all that is welcoming flow.