Dear New York Times Head Honchos,

I never thought it would come to this. After all we’ve been through together-the ups the downs, the highs, the lows, but through it all you were always my numero uno newspaper. Rarely have I strayed.

OK, there have been a few meaningless trysts. I’ll admit it. I’ve been perusing other free internet newspapers sites--The New York Post’s Page Six--The Daily News gossip columnists--not because I’m that interested in the lives celebrities or care much about sightings of famous people. (I have to admit that I was kind of surprised that Britney and Kevin went with “Sean Preston” for their newborn. Whatev-to each their own is my motto.)

But with all the misery in the world today-the war, the dwindling economy, Mother Nature PMS’ing a lot lately, I needed a little break. But it didn’t mean anything. It was always you I came back to.

And what do I get for my loyalty? As of last week, if I want to access your Oped columnists online and a few other sections of your paper, I am now expected to cough up $49.95 a year or $7.95 a month because some genius at your newspaper decided this was a good idea.

It’s not just you I take umbrage with. Lately, I can barely afford to buy a tank of gas. Ok, so I don’t own a car, but who afford one these days? And my health club just raised my monthly fee another $5.00 a month. Yeah, it doesn’t seem like a lot, but it all adds up.

Maybe you think I should just quit the health club and let myself go completely and run the risk of coming down with a variety of not so pretty diseases, not to mention the fact that I’ll feel really bad about myself after I start gaining weight, most likely become depressed, lose my job, probably end up homeless--all because of your new exclusive online service.

Thanks to you, I’ll soon be reduced to a common cyber thief, cause let’s face it, its only a matter of time before unscrupulous internet savvy comrades start posting the newly unattainable material on the web for free. Until then, maybe you’ll take some perverse pleasure in the image of me rummaging through the filthy recycling bins of my apartment building to gather the once free material.

Let me be frank here for a moment. I think you’re being kind of selfish. Even the president, who is not known for admitting mistakes, made an attempt to accept some responsibility for his administration’s part in the recent hurricane “faux pas,” when he showed up a day late and a dollar short for Katrina. While I don’t expect an apology once you realize the errors of your ways, just an actual acknowledgement about your wrong-doing and a confirmation that this kind of behavior will never happen again.

I think Dr. Phil may have said it best when he said, “We teach people how to treat us.” But then again, he also said, “You don’t need a pack of wild horses to make a sandwich.” But still, I think he may have a point. If I pay for what I used to read for free, then in a way, aren’t I agreeing with your new policy and indirectly, aren't the terrorists winning? Isn’t it just a matter of time before I’m paying to do some stinkin’ crossword puzzle? Or worse yet, other newspapers will get wind of your newly implemented evil plan and follow suit.

If you want to be responsible for me not keeping up with the latest political discourse and my mind ultimately turning to mush, then that is your choice. I wouldn’t be surprised if I became addicted to celebrity gossip and fluff now that I’ve gotten a taste of the lighter side of life. But don’t feel bad. It wouldn’t be entirely your fault. (Can you believe that Demi and Ashton finally tied the knot? Mazol tov to the happy couple!).

The ball’s in your court New York Times. I anxiously await your reply.

Sincerely,

Jill Rachel Jacobs

P.S. I'm really surprised that Jude Law and Sienna Miller may be getting back together after that whole nanny thing. Wow! What a shocker.

P.S.S. What do you think was the real reason behind the recent split between Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney? I wonder if we’ll ever know the truth.

Jill Rachel Jacobs (jillian3133@yahoo.com) is a writer and humorist living in New York City.

© 2005 Jill Rachel Jacobs