The world is in turmoil. War, terrorism and the recent tsunami that knocked the world off its axis have not only permeated the news, but left many of us in a state of perpetual devastation. And of course, let’s not forget Jen and Brad. Indeed, these are tough times.

That’s why the timing of the latest gay hysteria alert from the religious right is all the more confusing. This time they’re going after Spongebob Squarepants. And this time they’ve gone too far.

This whole unfortunate incident is really disturbing. Not only because of these tumultuous times we live in, but because it’s also stirred up some old wounds from a few years back when Jerry Falwell outted poor Tinkie Winkie. Yeah, Tinkie may have carried a magic bag that could easily be mistaken for a purse, and he may have also had a triangle glued to his head, but does that make him gay? I don’t think so.

The latest brewing homophobic crisis du jour brought to you exclusively from the religious right stems from Christian Conservative groups who are up in arms over a new music video that is due to be sent to 61,000 schools in March. The “We Are Family Foundation” produced the video that stars Spongebob, Barney and a host of other popular animated figures designed to promote tolerance and diversity.

At a pre-inauguration black-tie dinner in Washington earlier this week, James Dobson, head of the group, Focus On The Family mocked Spongebob and his cartoon sidekick, Patrick, who are often seen holding hands. Apparently, Spongebob is also suspect because he enjoys watching the imaginary, ``Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.”

I don’t get it. Why should Spongebob’s viewing choices be an issue here? I watch Will and Grace all the time. Does that make me someone with intimacy issues who only likes to spend time with men who are unavailable? OK. Maybe that’s the not best example, but I think I make my point.

Anyone privy to some of my more colorful dating experiences would agree that I may not possess the most well-developed gaydar, but I doubt very strongly that Spongebob Squarepants is gay. Take a look at him. The guy has a square head, only a few teeth, and no fashion sense whatsoever. How many guys do you know who prefer Tom Cruise over Penelope Cruz would be scene in public walking around practically toothless wearing the same outfit everyday?

If anything, I suspect that Mr. Squarepants may be more of a misunderstood misfit asexual type if we are now forced to label our animated stars. I mean, give the guy a break. He lives in a pineapple under the sea. Does that make him gay? I just thought he was a little on the eccentric side and I kind of liked that about him. If we were all the same, wouldn’t the world be kind of boring?

And this isn’t the first time that question of Spongebob’s sexual preferences have made the headlines. In 2002, he was "outted” after the media reported that the TV show and its merchandise was popular with gays.

I guess even the imaginations of animators are not exempt from the vagaries that run rampant during these McCarthesque times we currently reside in.

Maybe those nice fellows from Queer Eye could take time out from their busy schedules and work their magic on Spongebob and other questionable cartoon characters that have ruffled the fragile homophobic feathers of those who stand in judgment of diverse lifestyle choices.

This latest scandal reminds me of that old WWII adage:

First they came for Tinkie Winkie and I did not speak out because I was not a Teletubby. Then they came for Barney and I did not speak out because I was not a happy go lucky, carefree overweight purple reptilian children’s show star.

Then they came for Spongebob Squarepants and this time I didn’t keep my mouth shut because someone has to speak up for defenseless outted animated characters everywhere that are not programmed to protect themselves against the malevolent assault often waged by the fearful and uninformed.

No, Spongebob isn’t gay, but his next door neighbor Squidward…

Jill Rachel Jacobs is a New York based writer and humorist whose recent publishing credits include The Boston Globe, The Washington Post, Newsday, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Toronto Star, The Independent, The International Herald Tribune, The San Francisco Chronicle, The Los Angeles Daily News, The Chicago Tribune, The Baltimore Sun, National Public Radio and CBS Sunday Morning.

© 2005 Jill Rachel Jacobs