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Welcome to the First Annual Post Republican Convention Awards Ceremony
Published on Friday, September 3, 2004 by CommonDreams.org
Welcome to the First Annual Post Republican Convention Awards Ceremony
by Jill Rachel Jacobs
 

AND THE WINNER IS...

BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Senator John McCain.

Four short years ago he was brutally denounced by George W. Bush. Now he’s the one doing the denouncing. From President hopeful John Kerry, to paying homage to that “disingenuous” documentary filmmaker, McCain takes no prisoners.

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: The Bush Twins.

Their attempts to appeal to a younger demographic through the use of self-deprecating humor, left many a delegate cringing. The “It” girls of the GOP may wish to consider the following: not everything is funny. Lose the speech writer-keep the fashion consultant.

Honorable Mention: Delegates trying to get their groove on in Madison Square Garden with spastic gyrations and dated dance movements that make “The Macarena” seem almost palatable again.

MOST CLASSLESS ACT: Purple Heart Band Aid wearing Republican delegates mocking John Kerry’s Vietnam War wounds. Has the face of “compassionate conservatism” once again reared its ugly head?

MOST CONSPICUOUSLY ABSENT FROM THE CONVENTION: Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell.

MOST CONSPICUOUSLY ABSENT FROM PRESIDENT BUSH’S ADDRESS: Osama Bin Laden. Honorable Mention: WMD’S.

MOST EFFECTIVE EXPLOITATION OF 9/11: Rudy Giuliani and President Bush. While Rudy’s descriptive flashback to September 11, 2001 may have conjured up painful memories for families that lost loved ones, George W. Bush’s ability to shed tears on command may prove to be a winner with voters.

MOST SHAMELESS EXPLOITATION OF 9/11: Governor Pataki. The ability to link a box cutter as a WMD with Saddam Hussein as “a walking- talking weapon of mass destruction,” shouldn’t be taken lightly, considering the staggering loss of life and mega billions spent hunting the elusive WMD’s.

BEST ART IMITATING LIFE IMITATING ART MOMENT: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Perhaps Ahnould should terminate the stale Saturday Night Live schtick that continually reminds us of the Governor’s former profession as an action star not so long ago. Fortunately for him, Americans are short on memory and long on celebrity.

BEST UNEXPECTED BOOST FOR MOOD STABILIZING PHARMACEUTICALS: Zell Miller’s maniacal convention rant not to be outdone by his maniacal post convention rant when he challenged MSNBC’S Chris Mathews to a duel. En Guarde!

MOST IMPRESSIVE REPUBLICAN RISING STAR: Barney, the White House Dog. Unlike his former chatty predecessor, Millie, the former White House Pooch, who wrote a-tell all with help of former first lady, Barbara Bush, Barney knows when to keep his trap shut.

MOST OVERUSED THEME: Fear. When all else fails, playing the fear card is a sure thing for an administration plagued with economic instability, rising unemployment, the poorest of international relations and at best, a questionable war. A fearful public is indeed a pliant public.

WORST FAILED IMAGE MAKEOVER: Dick Cheney. He can take a photo op with his infant granddaughter or have those who know him best tout him as just a “nice guy,” but attempts at making Haliburton’s main man seem “warm and fuzzy” come off as cold and transparent.

LEAST MISSED CONVENTION GUEST: Tom Ridge and the terror color-coded alert system. While terror reigned on the post-Democratic convention party, the Republicans and those who attended their soiree were spared the anxiety and fear that accompanies the frequent elevated alerts issued by the Homeland Security Department. Lucky them.

-- Jill Rachel Jacobs is a New York based writer and humorist whose recent publishing credits and appearances  include The Boston Globe, Newsday, The San Francisco Chronicle, The International Herald Tribune, The Toronto Star, The Independent, The Chicago Tribune, The Baltimore Sun, The Oregonian, The Star Tribune, The Philadelphia Inquirer, CBS Sunday Morning, Crossfire and National Public Radio's Morning Edition and Marketplace.

Copyright, 2004 Jill Rachel Jacobs

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