When I was growing up, I remember a strange occurrence in our family when our eccentric uncle popped in for a visit one summer. Although he was "invited," the whole family behaved curiously. My older siblings bunked at friends' houses and my parents didn't even break out the good china.

That's kind of what the GOP convention feels like to me. Yeah, I guess someone invited the Republicans, but did anyone really want them to show up?

But they're here and so am I. And while many of my peers have fled, I remain hunkered down in my Big Apple bunker trying to make the best of it.

As a New Yorker, I've lived through many a challenging time -- 9/11, last summer's blackout and assorted other urban crises, including rodents and roaches that insisted upon sharing my flat. But having the Republicans in town is definitely uncharted territory.

I prepared for the onslaught of elephant worshipers with a variety of new and age-old remedies designed to bring harmony to a stressed-out city dweller on the verge of being caught in the middle of the political crossfire. Soothing lavender oils, chamomile tea, crystals and a sage smudge have become my GOP survival kit in my feeble attempt to create a peaceful environment during what may turn out to be a tumultuous week for those not joining in the party.

I guess it doesn't help that it's sweltering out and that the stars are misaligned. Mercury went retrograde on Aug. 10, causing potential chaos, and it doesn't go direct until Sept. 2, when things should finally start to return to normal -- or to whatever passes for normal around here.

Like many people, since the announcement of the intent to hold the Republican convention at Madison Square Garden, I've been plagued by a lingering question: why New York, one of the most liberal cities on the planet?

Although I'm aware that the president doesn't like to read the newspaper (can you blame him? It's full of bad news), I'm surprised that one of his advisors didn't mention this fact during one of their briefings.

Could the decision to hold it here be another of the Bush administration's failures to connect the dots? Earlier this week, the president did admit that some mistakes were made in handling Iraq, what he called a ''miscalculation.'' Yeah, a little post-invasion faux pas. Guess it can happen to anyone.

But overall he insists that removing Saddam Hussein has been a ''catastrophic success.'' So almost $200 billion later and counting, minus the dead, wounded and maimed American soldiers and thousands of civilian casualties-- not to mention the supposedly robust economy that hasn't exactly trickled down to where I work -- you wonder how much miscalculation one nation can stand.

That question had to be on the minds of those people I saw Sunday. I'm not really into crowds, but I decided to check out the scene at Union Square, where one of the biggest anti-Bush rallies was about to commence near where I live. With all the perks offered by the city for those willing to protest ''nicely,'' how could I resist? The city's newly developed Peaceful Political Activists program offers discounts and special savings for protesters willing to sign up.

Hey, it may not be the Sixties, but it's all we've got.

Could you imagine some of the notorious characters from the infamous Vietnam demonstrations weighing in on a reduced savings plan?

Jerry Rubin: ''One, two, three, four, we don't want your bloody war ... but on second thought, dinner at Applebee's does sound great!''

Abbie Hoffman: ''Five, six, seven, eight ... a discount at the zoo? I better not be late!"

Official badge-wearing protesters could also take in a host of attractions and shows, such as "Naked Boys Singing," offered at a reduced rate of $25. Call me a cheapskate, but why do I need to pay 25 clams to see naked boys singing when I could see them protesting in the buff for free as they did last Thursday? Naked boys protesting, naked boys singing, what's the dif? Naked is naked. What do I care what they're doing? I'm not choosy.

I didn't see any naked people in Midtown yesterday, but I didn't go out looking for them. I'm still recovering from getting clocked in the head by a placard wielded by an unapologetic pacifist.

But it was almost worth it because catching a glimpse of Sunday's rally, which merged young, old, black, white, rich, poor -- all united in common cause -- offered a brief but nostalgic look into the face of what American democracy used to look like not so long ago.

Perhaps I've made a miscalculation of my own, as President Bush may have indeed kept one his 2000 campaign pledges as a ''uniter.'' After all, he's practically united a whole city against him this week.

And if, during his stay in NYC, he finds this all a bit stressful, a little sage and lavender can work wonders.

Jill Rachel Jacobs is a writer and humorist living in New York City.

Jill Rachel Jacobs Copyright, 2004

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