I have been married for 23 years. I thought long and hard about the institution of marriage before I got hitched. Historically, it seemed marriage was a legal way to subvert any legal power a woman might have. In the end, we decided to marry because it gave us legal power as a couple. It helped with health insurance and prevented any problems should one of us get ill.

For 23 years, I have had the honor of legally calling my beloved my husband. He has nursed me when I was sick, held my hand when I was frightened, and loved me through all kinds of adventures and misadventures. When I became ill and had to quit my job, I was able to get on my husband's health insurance because we were legally married.

Why would I not wish that every loving couple be able to have the advantages we have had because we are legally married? The Republican party wants to make gay and lesbian marriages an election issue. They believe they are "better" than the Democrats and progressives on "moral" issues. I live in a community where the unemployment is over 13%. I don't think most people care about depriving gays and lesbians of their rights to legally marry.

However, I don't think the Democrats should shy away from this debate. Why don't they step up and take this "moral" issue away from the Republicans? They should say, "Yes, we believe in equal rights, and that includes the right for loving people of either sex to marry one another."

Last week, Senate majority leader Bill Frist warned that the "wildfire" of same-sex marriages would spread unless opponents stopped it. He and others like him keep saying they have to protect the sanctity of marriage. What does that mean? What kind of marriages are they talking about?

Are they speaking about modern American marriages between heterosexuals? 43% percent of these treasured sacred marriages end in separation or divorce within the first fifteen years. According to the Center for Disease Control, the marriage rate is 8.4 per 1,000 total population, and the divorce rate is 4.0 per 1,000 population.

In 2/3rds of these legal unions, domestic violence will occur at least once during the marriage. 1,155,600 women have already been raped one or more times by their husbands. A 2001 study by JAMA showed that homicide was the most common cause of death among pregnant women; husbands (and boyfriends) were most often the murderers. Until the middle of the 20th century, most women could not even sue their husbands for assault.

Or are they talking about protecting the sanctity of the kind of marriages further back in time when wives could be beaten, raped, and murdered with no impunity? European men often forced their wives to put on chastity belts which caused all kinds of physical problems for the woman--not to mention the emotional humiliation of having no say over her own body. Under English law, husbands had control over their wives' bodies and property. In fact, whatever she "owned" became his. Women were considered property. (Just look at the modern custom of "giving the bride away" at a wedding. One does not "give" away human beings. One gives away property.)

Are they talking about the religious aspects of marriage? Early church leaders often viewed marriage with repulsion or as a necessary evil. Celibacy was proof one was a truly devoted Christian. In Luke, Jesus is purported to have said, "neither marry nor are given in marriage" if one wished to be resurrected. Marriage as a sacrament came much later, and it was not until the 16th century that the church seems to have gotten "on board" with marriage.

Christian fathers may have been opposed to marriage because it had Pagan origins. These unions were blessed by the Goddess Aphrodite-Mari. The bride's white wedding gown most likely had nothing to do with symbolizing her as a virgin--not something venerated by the Pagans--but was worn to honor the Goddess Aphrodite. Exchanging rings probably symbolized the importance of magic circles and the cycle of nature. The garter which the bride tossed after the ceremony may have been a symbol of the bride's status as a priestess of the Goddess.

Are these Pagan unions the kinds of weddings Bill Frist wants to protect?

Fortunately for my husband and myself, our marriage worked out. We are not one of the statistics I mentioned above. I like the idea of loving same-sex couples gathering all over the United States to marry. I clap and weep with joy every time I see a news report of the long lines of couples waiting to get their marriage licenses. When my husband and I went to eat dinner in Portland the other night, we sat next to a wedding party of a same-sex couple who had gotten their marriage license that day at the Multnomah County Courthouse. We gave them our best wishes.

Let the wildfires continue to burn.

Kim Antieau's essays have appeared on Common Dreams, Alternet.org, Journal of Mythic Arts, Pulphouse, SageWoman, Of A Like Mind, and other publications. Her short stories have been published in dozens of magazines and anthologies. Her latest published novel, 'Coyote Cowgir', came out last summer and her weblog is at: http://www.furiousspinner.com, website is at: http://www.kimantieau.com

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