Does your political intelligence meet the new standard? Take the test and check your score.

1. Weapons of mass destruction are:

a.) programs to develop weapons of mass destruction

b.) program-related activities that might result in the development of weapons of mass destruction

c.) thoughts about activities related to the development of programs that might result in the development of weapons of mass destruction

d.) scary

2. An economic program of tax cuts for rich people and massive deficit spending is sure to:

a.) increase revenues, curb spending, and repair the social safety net

b.) increase contributions to the Republican National Committee

c.) keep the plates in the air through November

d.) keep our grandchildren from finding that idle hands are the devil’s playground

3. The alternative minimum tax, increasing taxes on the middle class to fund tax cuts for the rich, is a necessary:

a.) offset to the IRS hands-off policy for corporate tax cheats

b.) offset to the upcoming repeal of the estate tax to provide tax relief for billionaires

c.) inducement to the continued happiness of major donors to both major parties

d.) sacrifice you must make to maintain our freedoms

4. Doing a stint in the Texas Air National Guard to avoid combat duty thanks to your daddy’s connections, followed by a year AWOL and a thorough records-scrubbing, is evidence:

a.) of the power of love

b.) of clerical incompetence in the file rooms of our armed forces

c.) that only the good die young

d.) of a young man doing his patriotic duty

5. Pre-emptive invasions of countries that theoretically could develop nuclear weapons "over time" :

a.) is a pleasingly all-inclusive policy

b.) seems to just about cover it

c.) is a war crime

d.) sounds good to me

6. Anyone who believed before the war that the “evidence” on Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction was insufficient to justify a war was :

a.) drinking Saddam’s Kool-Aid

b.) drinking Saddam’s tequila shots

c.) not drinking enough

d.) a whiny liberal giving crap to patriotic Americans

7. The Clear Skies Act will result in more :

a.) power company CEO bonuses

b.) asthma inhaler sales

c.) contributions to the Republican National Committee

d.) clear skies

8. The Healthy Forests Initiative will result in more;

a.) logging company CEO bonuses

b.) redwood decks

c.) view lots

d.) healthy forests

9. International trade rules and federal subsidies that allow dumping of US agricultural products on the Third World at prices as much as 43% below the cost of production:

a.) let other countries share in the benefits of free trade

b.) let small farmers explore exciting new career options

c.) help us win the race to the bottom

d.) all of the above

10. Pervez Musharraf, as the president of Pakistan,

a.) installed the Taliban in Afghanistan

b.) presided over the sale of nuclear secrets to North Korea, Libya, and Iran by his chief nuclear scientist

c.) presided over the wire transfer of $100,000 to 9/11 terrorist Mohammed Atta by the chief of his intelligence service

d.) is our staunch ally in the war on terrorism

11. President Bush told 9/11 investigators he needs to keep pre-9/11 intelligence briefs a secret because

a.) “what’s mine is mine”

b.) “little pitchers have big ears”

c.) “I want the truth”

d.) “you can’t handle the truth”

12. Vice President Cheney needs to keep secret the names of the people who wrote the federal energy policy because

a.) he’s no snitch

b.) he wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea

c.) he might want to go duck-hunting with them some day

d.) they are all patriotic Americans who don’t want to take crap

13. President Bush wants the investigation of false WMD intelligence to focus on intelligence agencies and not the White House because

a.) he already knows about the White House

b.) the buck stops over there

c.) the cherry-picker got stuck in the stovepipe from the Pentagon to Cheney’s office and it’s just a mess

d.) he called "last tag"

14. When you were told that the National Intelligence Estimate on Iraq justified going to war and then found out that the National Intelligence Estimate does not say what you were told it says, you

a.) assumed there must be another National Intelligence Estimate

b.) assumed you must have misunderstood the first time

c.) assumed the CIA was eating Saddam’s Captain Crunch

d.) assumed that life is full of mysteries

15. After the invasion of Iraq and capture of Saddam Hussein, you felt safest at the moment when

a.) the post-war influx of terrorists into Iraq officially killed more Americans than had died in the war

b.) other countries realized possession of nuclear weapons is the only way to ward off an attack by the US

c.) your credit card company cut your travel accident insurance by 50%

d.) we freed the world from the encumbrance of international law barring an attack on another country for any reason other than immediate self-defense.

16. A president should be impeached when he

a.) lies to Congress so they will vote to give him sweeping war powers

b.) lies to the American people about the justification for going to war

c.) lies about the lies he told to justify going to war after the lies are exposed

d.) lies about sex

Pencils down! Now see how well you did:

- All “A” answers are worth 20 points

- All “B” answers are worth 10 points

- All “C” answers are a 50-point deduction

- All “D” answers are worth 50 points

If you scored less than 200: Report immediately to nearest thoughtcrime center for re-education.

200-300: Don’t worry, be happy.

300-500: Increase your viewing of Fox News to six hours a day, minimum.

500+: You have met the Benny Hill standard of political intelligence. Submit your resumé to the White House.

Andrew Christie is a film editor in Los Angeles

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