It's very difficult keeping up with Mideast news due to the Orwellian newspeak coming from Washington.
So here's a handy list of key terms, translated into simple English.
Liberation - Invasion.
Coalition - The U.S. and British invaders, plus some troops from rent-a-nations like Romania and Poland. In the past, "the coalition" would have been called imperial forces and mercenary auxiliaries.
Dictator - A ruler you don't like, or who does not cooperate.
Statesman - A cooperative dictator.
Stability - when things go the way Uncle Sam likes, i.e., the status quo.
Instability - when things don't go the way Unc Sam wants, i.e., when trouble-makers try to change the status quo.
Iraq reconstruction - a process whereby big firms that contribute to the president's re-election campaign obtain contracts to rebuild the damage caused by U.S. bombing.
Freeing Iraq's oil assets - Washington's seizure and sale of Iraqi oil, which in no way can be compared to Cuba's seizure and sale of U.S.-owned property, a dastardly crime.
Mideast democracy - regimes that hold rigged elections and obey Washington's orders.
Free trade - pouring goods and services into the newly "liberated" country, and buying up its key industrial assets at fire-sale prices.
Terrorism - violent acts by dangerous fanatics and malcontents who refuse to accept the downtrodden status assigned to them by Washington.
Anti-terrorism - State terrorism.
Uranium - a yellowish mineral from Niger that causes red faces in the White House.
Iraq Administrator - A pro-consul or gaulieter, disguised as a minor suburban bureaucrat.
Drones of death - Iraqi remotely piloted aircraft that the White House claimed were poised to fly off Iraqi ships lurking in the North Atlantic and shower fiendish germs on a sleeping America - which turn out to be two model airplanes, only one of which could fly. See "vans of death."
Vans of death - Claimed by Washington to be Iraqi mobile germ warfare laboratories, but turn out, on inspection, to be British-supplied trucks for inflating weather balloons.
Weapons of Mass Destruction - Nasty weapons, existing or non-existing, that the other side has. When your side has them, they become invisible.
Torture - a foul act committed by your enemies. When your side does it, it's called intensive interrogation in Guantanamo.
Homeland security - bolting the barn door after the horse has escaped by rounding up Muslims and denying them due process of law.
French - Insubordinate ingrates and depraved chain-smokers who had the nerve to try to block the jolly little war in Iraq, and now sneer, "we told you so."
Germans - Untrustworthy. Just when you order them to be warlike again, they go soft. Wait until they see the next dozen WWII epics from Hollywood.
Canadians - A bunch of pot-smoking, pinko, wimp nancy boys who marry their best friends and refuse to obey orders from the Great White Father in Washington.
Islam - An evil faith that promotes violence and hatred, as proven by the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, who learned about the agents of the devil while encountering them in motel rooms.
Fox News - The Ministry of Truth.
Al-Jazeera News - All the bad news we don't want to hear. See Fox News.
Die-hards and Saddam loyalists - Any Iraqis opposing the invasion of their country.
Traitors and friends of Saddam - Journalists who questioned the Bush Administration's lurid claims over Iraq's purported threat.
Moderate - A Mideastern ruler who toes the line and makes nice to Israel.
Peacekeepers - Troops from browbeaten or bribed vassal states sent to perform garrison duty in U.S.-occupied nations that the Pentagon wants to avoid, or lacks the troops to perform.
New Iraqi government - An august body that leaps to its feet when a U.S. soldier enters the room, and has total authority over garbage collection and sewers.
Saddam Hussein - A former close American ally who got too big for his britches. If not assassinated, may soon be needed again to run Iraq for Washington.
Uday and Qusay - Yes, Saddam's boys were big-time delinquents, but Crazy Uday's biggest mistake was probably making fun of George W. Bush in his newspaper, calling the prez a draft-dodging wimp. Perhaps that's why he and Qusay got the multi, anti-tank missile treatment - Texas justice - rather than a nice show trial in Baghdad.
Eye-Raq - A democracy-seeking Arab state that volunteered for mentoring and tutelage from Washington in exchange for helping out American drivers of SUV's.
Copyright © 2003, CANOE