The Bush Administration announced Monday that former New York Times
reporter Jayson Blair will replace Ari Fleischer as White House Press
Secretary.
Known as a cautious and calculating press secretary who constantly
ducks tough questions, Fleischer announced in May that he would
resign between the invasions of Iraq and Iran to give the White House
time to replace him.
"It's a good time to leave," said Fleischer. "How would you like to
explain 60,000 major businesses filing for bankruptcy under Bush, a
nose-diving dollar, three million people out of work, a record budget
deficit, $95,000 tax cuts for millionaires, and increasing pollution?"
White House sources report that Jayson Blair, former staff reporter
for the New York Times, will be offered for the job. Blair, who is
known for widespread fabrication and plagiarism in his news articles,
is considered a shoe-in for the job, although some doubt that Blair,
by forging inaccuracies in only 36 out of 73 new stories, can keep up
with White House demands.
"The White House requires telling many whoppers everyday, and this
young man really knows how to spin the truth," said Victoria
Darkness, a Pentagon spokeswoman.
Blair's strengths for the job include an ability to embellished
madly, claiming to be places he has never visited and an egregious
stealing of stories from other reporters. Critics find somewhat more
troubling the fact that his errors and fabrications at the New York
Times were mostly benign: They didn't start a war, execute an
innocent person or undermine foreign governments. The Pentagon hopes
that the New York Times charges that "the audacity of the deceptions
grew by the week" will help Blair grow quickly into his role as White
House press secretary.
"Americans love the colorful, subjective, and bogus details," said
Darkness. "Blair enjoys the process of making up stories, creating
better, more interesting and more effective stories to serve the
interest of the Republican Party, the Pentagon and our wealthy
benefactors. We look forward to his tenure."
Veteran reporters were not surprised at Fleischer's resignation,
pointing out that he wears hip boots to press conferences where he
explains that Iraq is not a quagmire. During a recent press
conference, others detected grimaces instead of his usual stern,
tight-lipped performance. "Fleischer shows superb control to keep
from bursting out laughing at some of his explanations of Bush's
policy," said one reporter.
Observers admitted they will miss Fleischer's "constant fibbing" and
backtracking, and compare him favorably to former press secretaries
like Pat Buchanan, who can't find a job, and Ron Ziegler, who helped
Nixon cover up Watergate. "Watching him explain the famous
'disappearing' weapons of mass destruction is hilarious," said one
friend.
Rumors indicate that Fleischer resigned because he was angry at the
White House press pool for not accepting his explanation of the Tooth
Fairy, although Fleischer maintains he is quitting for "personal"
reasons. Some claim his bride of six months is unhappy with his
frequent absences and the excuse that he must attend late night White
House "prayer meetings." His wife fears that he may no longer be able
to distinguish fact from fiction and may lose his ability to speak
coherently after spending so much time with the president. Fleischer
denies the charges.
"Being press secretary is one big con job," said Fleischer. "It may
be a charade, but it's easier than working for Exxon/Mobil or Grace
Industries. All I have to do is tell the same story over and over
until people believe it."
Although Fleischer refused to explain where he kissed the president
after he announced his resignation, President Bush kissed him on the
head. "Isn't he wonderful," said Bush. "We can tell him anything and
he goes out and repeats it to the press corps. The guy has no shame."
Washington will miss Fleischer who had to meet more often with the
press because President Bush held only eight press conferences,
preferring to read from carefully scripted speeches due to a "garbled
reasoning" syndrome brought on by his heavy alcohol consumption when
he was in his forties. Recently, Fleischer's reasoning resembles that
of the president's.
While defending Bush's plan to suspend collective bargaining for
government employees, Fleischer told the press, "The president will
have more authority to help protect the homeland if potatoes attacked
America in the Department of Agriculture."
The End
Don Monkerud is an Aptos, California-based columnist and author who
follows politics. monkerud@cruzio.com
Copyright 2003 Don Monkerud
###
