After four long years the UN weapons inspectors this week resumed their search
for those hidden Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. With their hands still over
their eyes they breathlessly counted: "Nine million, nine hundred and ninety-nine
thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine. TEN MILLION! Coming!"
How Saddam giggled as he watched them peeking in the cupboard under the stairs
and behind the curtains. "Cold. Cold. Ooh, getting warmer; no, cold again. Freezing!"
But after a while it got a bit embarrassing for the Iraqi president having them
snoop all over the place. "What's in this drawer?" "Ooh no, don't look in there!"
And they pulled it open only to find a pair of old pants from Millets with "Sex
Machine" emblazoned across the front. "Look, they were a joke birthday present
from my brother. I never wear them, honest."
The work of the weapons inspectors is supposed to be top secret, giving the
Iraqis absolutely no warning about which sites are to be visited. So there was
a mild suspicion that they might possibly be being bugged when the first location
they visited displayed a big banner saying: "Baghdad Fertilizer Plant welcomes
the UN weapons inspectors!" and a choir of local schoolchildren sang a specially
composed anthem as the delegates were directed towards the buffet lunch. Would
that explain the wires trailing from the large bunch of flowers that was placed
in the middle of their conference table? Is that why they were given a free mobile
phone with their car rental?
First they had to decide where they were going to look. They tried driving
around a bit, but despite all the helpful brown tourist signs on the motorway,
not one said "Nuclear Bomb Factory" next to a little picture of a mushroom cloud.
They tried photocopying a picture of a missile and attaching it to a few lamp-posts
with the caption "Lost! Huge chemical warhead, answers to the name of Scud." Of
course when you're looking for something you may never find it, but at least you
come across a few other things that you thought you'd lost for good. So far the
UN team have uncovered three Polly Pocket figures, a marble, the instructions
to the tumble drier, and a plastic clip which they think probably came with the
micro-scooter. "Oh look, a 10 franc coin; is that still legal tender?" "Um, I
don't think so, but put it back in the kitchen drawer just in case."
But George Bush needs no further evidence. Imagine if these items fell into
the hands of Iraq's elite republican guard! "You could have someone's eye out
with that!" said Colin Powell, examining the sharp plastic edge off the charger
from an old mobile phone.
The reporting of the inspectors' discoveries leaves us in no doubt as to Saddam's
guilt. They have found paper cups of a type that would be used to refresh workers
making weapons of mass destruction. Also uncovered was an atlas which included
detailed maps of the US and Britain, and a keyboard which could be used to type
the letters "B.O.M.B".
Whatever they find, the verdict is already decided. Even if they unearth no
glowing vats of kryptonite it will prove that Saddam has hidden them all away
in his cousin's lock-up garage. The inspectors are there for appearances' sake,
to give the impression of a legitimate process, like the "review" of a pit closure
or a black American's defense counsel.
Since the UN team are completely wasting their time, would it not be more worthwhile
to get them searching for something a little more useful? "After two weeks hunting
in British shopping centers, the United Nations weapons inspectors have finally
located some Beyblades at Toys R Us, Merry Hill, Birmingham. Oh no, apparently
they've just been sold." Perhaps they could find us an unbreakable CD case, or
the Marmite in Sainsbury's, or a program on the History Channel that wasn't about
the Nazis.
Or maybe they could find that international law that says that one nation has
the right to decide there will be a "regime change" in another country thousands
of miles away. The whole world would like to see Saddam Hussein overthrown by
his own people, but Bush needs this easy battle to help him win the really big
fight the following year. Dubya's only interest in foreign policy is what it can
do for him at home now they're more than halfway through the presidential electoral
cycle.
So if I was a UN weapons inspector I'd go back to the hotel, empty the mini-bar
and hope there were enough miniature Johnny Walker bottles to drown the realization
that I was a diplomatic patsy for the US Republican party. Only I wouldn't stay
there too long because there'll definitely be plenty of weapons of mass destruction
all over Iraq pretty soon. They'll be dropping from US bombers to mark the start
of the American presidential campaign, to make sure there's certainly no "regime
change" at the White House. If the inspectors can't see that, then frankly they're
never going to spot anything.
© Guardian Newspapers Limited 2002
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