Hats off to Mrs Cheney on the recent publication of “America: A Patriotic Primer”, her ABC book dedicated to helping our children gain a better appreciation for American history and a clearer understanding of what it means to be a patriot. I have not yet had occasion to see the primer, but suspect it is the sort of thing little Oliver (North, not Twist) must have had read to him before bed, and thus a valuable addition to our literature. Intense anticipation has prompted me to put together a patriotic primer of my own, if for no other reason than to appease my young offspring in the interim between the present time and the appearance of Mrs Cheney’s book at the local shop. Aware that there may be others still waiting to get their hands on the real thing, I offer the interim version here.

A: AWOL. Acronym for “American Way of Life”, closely linked to AMOK (American Milk of Kindness), the agency responsible for dropping peanut butter on Afghanistan in between bombs.

B: Bastard. “He’s a bastard, but he’s our bastard,” said Richard Nixon in reference to Nicaragua’s Anastasio Somoza. The statement has come to be widely regarded as a guiding light in American foreign policy.

C: Consumer. An amoral filter dedicated to converting world resources into refuse with maximum haste and minimum conscience. An ideal citizen.

D: Defense. We spend billions on it. It still doesn’t hit curves or change-ups.

E: Enron. Let’s talk about Evil instead. Evil is a foreign commodity. Until fairly recently it flourished in empire form. Today, evil is more commonly found in axes. If there were truer support for the president’s war on terror, evil would disappear altogether.

F: Flag. Our flag is sometimes exported to other countries, where it is a popular source of fuel.

G: Global Warming. Two weeks ago, an empty hoax dreamed up by pessimistic eggheads. This week, an official threat. Fortunately, one we can’t do anything about.

H: Hitler. Mathematical constant [h] loosely applied in political rhetoric. Saddam > h. General Aideed = h. Noriega + Castro = h. Whatever.

I: Impeachment. Unsuccessfully applied to the libidinous Clinton. Something they don’t even think about applying to Dubya for campaign and/or election irregularities, Enron, war profiteering, or other indiscretions of minor import to the nation.

J: Jesus Christ. Dubya’s favorite philosopher. The one who said: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” one rationale among many in the gospel for capital punishment and the war in Afghanistan.

K: Kurd. Member of a minority ethnic group to be left hanging as deemed expedient. To be solemnly resurrected whenever an Iraq attack feels irresistable.

L: Literature. Something a young person can generally live without. Consider Animal Farm, a story about state-induced conformity, corruption, lying, and perpetual war. Once popular with young adults, this literary fable has become an irrelevant anachronism in our democracy. If you absolutely must, you may request a synopsis of selected passages from the former book by filling out Form WG/7214 and mailing it to Vigilantes against Terrorist Tracts, c/o The Ministry of Truth, Washington, D.C. Include a current photograph, recent set of fingerprints, and copy of your birth certificate, along with a notarized statement confirming that you have never harbored a warm sentiment towards Cuba. In the likely event that your application is unsuccessful, you will nevertheless receive a complimentary copy of “Let the Eagle Soar – Campfire Fun with Commissar Ashcroft”.

M: Money. What we’ve been making for 226 years, along with Progress, never mind the reactionary ingrates who note that our planet is somewhat frayed at the edges in consequence.

N: Nostradamus. 16th century quack. Also, foremost authority on contemporary and future developments in 21st century America.

O: Oil. Lubricant of choice on the slippery slope we tread.

P: Prevention. Less entertaining and less lucrative than Cure. We might give prevention a shot in 50 or 100 years if the war on terror is over.

Q: Quagmire. Vietnam. Afghanistan. A term frequently construed as Victory.

R: Rogue State. Any government demonstrably worse than our own.

S: Sivilization. What we’re perpetually trying to sell to them what is sitting in darkness.

T: Two-Party System. Ingenious method of ensuring that the bright ideas, real or imagined, of any given administration will come to no avail.

U: UN. An international organization with more good intentions and high moral principles than my Aunt Martha, but less authority.

V: Violence. A last resort that we unanimously deplore. A first resort in times of uncertainty. A blessing in times of greed.

W: Weapons. The bread and butter of a group of ruthless profiteers (regularly referred to as “government” these days) passionately devoted to the pursuit of peace.

X: X-Ray. Holiday camp in the Caribbean suspected of falling short of the Geneva Hotelier Conventions.

Y: Yellow. Color of the ribbons we tie to our trees, and occasionally of the wartime American press. Motto: “All the news that’s fit to print, once it’s too late to matter.”

Z: Zap. A fun word, the comic book way of handling insects or terrorists. According to my thesaurus: destroy, kill, slaughter, annihilate, murder, slay, assassinate, liquidate, erase. Zapping has certainly worked wonders with the cockroach.

And so, good night budding patriot, sleep tight.

John Liechty teaches in Muscat, Oman. E-mail: liechty98@hotmail.com

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