Most heaved a sigh of relief to see the French fascist Jean-Marie Al Pen lose to the oily Jaycees Char by taking only 17.8 per cent of the vote. Me, I was cackling away to myself for an entirely different reason: Another of my crackpot demographic theories confirmed.

Given that virtually every eligible French voter dragged himself out of his torpor for the second round, to either save the Republic or destroy it, we now have a quantification, an actual number, stating what percentage of the French population are complete brain-cramped, violent, racist guillotine-fan scum.

In other words, 5.9 million French voters are complete sh--heads.

I apologize for the vulgarity, but I cannot resist crowing. Never before have we had an actual number nailing down what percentage of a population is beyond the pale. In France, one candidate, Mr. Char, implied he might cut back on looting the public treasury for his vacations, while the other candidate, Mr. Al Pen, vowed to re-establish the Napoleonic Master Race and place Muslim citizens in a Vital Organ Donation Camp outside Sangatte.

The choice was clear, and how often does that happen in a democracy? Fascism looks so tidy; France voted for a more complicated life, and we are back to thinking that they are very fine. Except for those 5.9 million village idiots. Liberal civilization goes deeply against the human grain, Michael Ignatieff says, and is sustained only by constant struggle against human nature. So 17.8 per cent of France is deeply, subterraneanly, human.

In Among the Thugs, a book about soccer hooligans, Bill Buford called civilization a fabric that keeps him warm. Others find it to be not a blanket but a weight. They vote for Mr. Al Pen.

In the other democracies, motives for voting are rarely so clear. In Canada, it's not just strategic voting -- I don't think the NDP can win, so I won't waste my vote, say -- but mixed-motive voting. I have no idea why anyone votes Canadian Alliance, which 22 per cent of voters did last time.

Possibly you are, as the political humorist John O'Farrell puts it, an old fascist, a young racist or a pig-ignorant peasant. But you might also be nice-but-dim. You feel Central Canada isn't paying attention to you, you had a secret yen for Preston and the Liberal candidate didn't wipe his feet when he came into the kitchen. Who knows? Maybe your hand slipped.

As for those Americans who voted for Bush Jr., the "pig-ignorant peasants" assessment works well for Michael Moore in his tragicomic new book, Stupid White Men.

But there could be other reasons. Perhaps you were mocked in school and sense Junior's defensiveness. Something told you Al Gore might grow a beard in the White House. Or you might have wanted to wallow in your American-ness, smell yourself, snuffle up the essence of your pleasure in being king of the world. Maybe you were drunk.

They're not good reasons, but they are reasons.

I frequently vote for the pity candidate. Yes, he's a goof, but won't he feel sad if he shows up voteless with his mother at his victory party? Yet I am considered sane by many.

Voting is personal and complicated. Actually, once you factor in voting age, population and area, France is probably only 10 per cent scum generally and 22 per cent in Peasantworld (the upper Rhineland and the Mediterranean coast, which I imagine to be, respectively, packed with dolts in French lederhosen, and Marseilles sailors in striped jerseys renting their hind regions to rough types.)

So, a hard core of 10 per cent. I doubt it is any different in Canada. I have always said 30 per cent of the population is quite mad, but since there is no structure for quantifying this, I merely say, "Look around you." People do, and then they agree with me.

I'll concede the malevolent 10 is included in the deranged 30, which leaves 70 per cent of us functional. Then subtract children, no-hopers and people who are too busy raising small children to have a deeply felt interior life and a political stance. How many people are smart, kind, literate and sustainable, can be trusted with heavy equipment, and can grasp a concept and carry it through to its conclusion? I say 10 per cent.

I label American voters as 35 per cent malevolent, mainly because of the Deep South factor and the rage that the ready access to guns brings, and 48 per cent hopelessly stupid, which encompasses the 35 per cent. This is higher than the 31 per cent that recent poll identified -- Americans who don't see Canada as a separate country -- but I am including not just Junior voters, but all the adult Americans who will pay to see Spider-Man and stay to the end, and not just because it has a good theme song.

My stats come from the Web site of the CIA, the U.S. Statistical Abstract and various media sites. The rest come from my own instinctive projections about my fellow humans, which for the first time, are based on demonstrable fact: 17.8 per cent of Frenchmen are so nasty you could strip floors with them and so dumb you could use their brains for Styrofoam packing pellets.

Next up: The Netherlands, where a recently assassinated fascist could handily win the next election.

I shall enjoy quantifying the Dutch.

###