I’ve got just the thing to brighten your primetime weeknight lineup and send the ratings through the roof: an hour-long, five-nights-a-week gabfest called “Leftwing Blondes.”

What could be more original and captivating than one liberal and one leftist all dolled up like Marilyn Monroe -- even if they’re gents -- discussing the issues of the day within a framework they establish and with guests they select?

“Leftwing Blondes” will speak directly to Middle America. Although we’ll welcome viewers of all stripes, we won’t be preaching to the choir or ranting at righties. Our goal is to charm and disarm the Heartland.

As you know, rightwing blondes are so plentiful in public affairs TV they’re a cliché. But where are their ideological opposites? Nowhere.

Because I am an articulate, amusing and drop-dead gorgeous liberal -- not to mention the conceptual genius behind “Leftwing Blondes” -- I would make an ideal co-host. But if the money’s right, I’ll settle for off-camera executive producer.

Other co-host candidates include Jen (Jeff) Cohen, Tabitha (Tavis) Smiley, Erica (Eric) Alterman, Cornelia (Cornel) West, Naomi (Noam) Chomsky, Michelle (Michael) Lerner, Dolly (Randall) Robinson, Jodi (Joe) Conason, Stephanie (Steven) Zunes, Michelina (Michael Eric) Dyson, Deena (Dean) Baker, Rita (Ralph) Nader, Juanita (Juan) Gonzales, Matilda (Matthew) Rothschild, Alexandra (Alexander) Cockburn and the six Robertas -- Borosage, Herbert, McChesney, Scheer, Kuttner and Reich.

Don’t recognize most of the names? That proves my point.

Real women can apply, too. If they’re not blonde by nature, they can dye their ’do or don a wig. Get your glossies ready, Molly Ivins, Cynthia McKinney, Ruth Conniff, Joan Claybrook, Eleanor Holmes Norton, Barbara Ehrenreich, Katha Pollitt, Laura Flanders, Stephanie Salter, Phyllis Bennis, Marie Cocco, Julianne Malveaux and all you others who’ve got the goods.

As noted, one host will be a self-identified leftist, the other a bona fide liberal -- i.e., someone who liberals consider liberal. Not some wimpy dude hand-picked by Pat Buchanan or Fox’s Sean Hannity to be his punching bag. Not Rupert Murdoch’s, Disney’s or G.E.’s idea of a liberal. Not one of those Bill Clinton-style 33 percent liberals -- liberal on social issues, moderate to conservative on economic and international issues. Not a war-mongering, “Hardball”-style, mislabeled-as-a-liberal-because-of-a-current-or-past-association-with-the-Democratic-Party “liberal” (Chris Matthews, Mike Barnicle, Tim Russert, Jim Cramer, Geraldo Rivera). Our liberals will be up to speed on the latest reports from Human Rights Watch. Ours will have a clue as to what Uncle Sam has really been up to and the capacity to think outside the inside-the-beltway box.

With so much talent at our disposal, we might even rotate hosts. This would give each more preparation time, and we could tailor shows and guests to the hosts’ strong suits. Plus, the public loves fresh faces and hairstyles.

Prior to each discussion, the leftwing blondes will declare their premises. By explicitly stating these, we would alert viewers to the fact that every show operates under certain premises, whether stated or not.

When discussing the economy, we would postulate that growth is not an end in itself, but a means for raising living standards and improving the quality of life for the majority. (Fifty years ago that was bipartisan dogma!) We’ll resurrect that yardstick and chide shows that worship the Dow.

In a discussion on U.S. policy towards Iraq, we’ll declare that

• “Saddam Hussein” and “Iraq” are two different things;
  
  
• the views of invisible Denis Halliday and Hans von Sponeck (former U.N. humanitarian aid coordinators for Iraq who blame economic sanctions for hundreds of thousands of deaths) are at least as worthy as those of ubiquitous hawks Richard Butler and James Woolsey;
  
  
• responsibility for civilian suffering is not necessarily an “either-or” proposition: Two or more institutions and governments -- e.g, the U.N., the U.S. and Iraq -- can contribute in varying degrees to disease and death.

In debating how to reduce the worldwide death toll from dangerous drugs, we’ll address Afghan heroin and Colombian cocaine, but also Carolina tobacco, Kentucky bourbon and St. Louis beer. That is, we’ll use Noah Webster’s definition of “drug,” not the Marlboro Man’s or the Budweiser Frogs’.

Another innovation: Guests who are former government officials will be paired with guests they refused to debate when they were in office. Thus, former drug czar Barry McCaffrey (now a paid talking head for NBC, MSNBC and CNBC) will debate domestic drug policy with Ethan Nadelmann of the Lindesmith Center and Colombia dirty-war policy with Carlos Salinas of Amnesty International. If McCaffrey turns us down, we’ll have someone wearing a McCaffrey mask recite his published positions and then let Nadelmann and Salinas dissect them.

We’ll take on everyone but the hair-care industry. Hey, “Leftwing Blondes” need sponsors, too.

Dennis Hans is a freelance writer and humorist whose work has appeared in the New York Times, Washington Post, National Post (Canada) and online at TomPaine.com, Slate and The Black World Today (tbwt.com), among other outlets. He has taught courses in mass communications and American foreign policy at the University of South Florida-St. Petersburg, and can be reached at HANS_D@popmail.firn.edu.

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