So sorry I missed last week's National Rifle Association convention in Kansas City -- sounds like it was a doozy. Moses was elected to an unprecedented fourth term as president. Pistol-packing Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton brought good tidings from President W. And NRA mouthpiece Wayne LaPierre helpfully updated the group's list of People We Hate, now headed by the United Nations -- which this summer will hold a gun-control summit.
"The great minds at the U.N. have outclassed our Founding Fathers," sneered LaPierre. "A bunch of foreign governments have dreamt up a better idea than the Bill of Rights."
LaPierre also gave an update on the group's plans to make gun-loving fully automatic fun by opening a chain of retail, dining and entertainment complexes from coast to coast. Known as NRA Sports Blasts, the "family-oriented megastores" will feature a high-tech "virtual" shooting range, a shop peddling everything for the well-accessorized shooter, and a theme restaurant specializing in wild-game cuisine.
Talk about mouth watering -- I can already taste the powder-blackened quail or buckshot-tenderized venison tartar. Who knows, maybe they'll name their dishes after famous gun-lovers: Bernie Goetz Buffalo Burgers, Klebold and Harris Pheasant a la Columbine, Mark David Chapman Strawberry Fields Jubilee and the Kip Kinkel Family Sampler Platter -- all washed down with a frosty Colin Ferguson Long Island Railroad Iced Tea.
Sport shooting is "fun for the whole family," chirped LaPierre when he first unveiled the concept last year. "It's probably about the safest activity an American can pick up as a hobby." Absolutely. How many more times are we going to have to read about a young life cut short in yet another tragic stamp-collecting accident before we finally take to the streets to stop the madness? All Wayne is saying is give guns a chance.
When your message has been judged wanting in the marketplace of ideas, simply dress it up and see if you can sell it in the other marketplace. It's retail democracy. The NRA is desperately trying to remake itself -- to take the focus off party-pooping school shootings and workplace massacres and put it on making packing heat family-friendly.
Philip Morris has been attempting a similar transformation. Utilizing a multimillion-dollar saturation ad campaign, with the cloying tag line "Philip Morris Cares," the corporate giant is trying to shift its image from Big Tobacco to Big-Hearted -- from maker of cancer-causing products to alleviator of hunger, domestic violence and AIDS, from purveyor of pain and suffering to hero in the battle to end them.
So what next? Maybe it should rent space next to the NRA and open a line of Big Tobacco's Puff Palaces -- franchised shrines to the enduring love affair between Americans and smoking. Each Puff Palace could feature a Virtual Trachea ride, allowing visitors to experience the mysterious and often thrilling journey that smoke takes as it travels from the oral cavity down the windpipe and into the literally breathtaking beauty of the lungs. And no more treating tobacco enthusiasts like social lepers, forced to brave the elements to enjoy a refreshing puff -- every table in the Big T Cafe would be in the Smoking Section.
And why stop with these two? Let's open a whole mall of superstores for special-interest groups with a PR problem. Casting aside capital punishment's blood-thirsty, eye-for-an-eye message, the Execution Experience superstore will highlight the fun-for-all-ages aspects of Death Row.
Have a seat in an exact replica of Florida's legendary Old Sparky electric chair -- every 10th customer gets a tush-tingling charge. (Talk about deterrence.) Or play Beat the Pardon, where contestants see if they can pull the switch before the Virtual Governor calls. And no one will be able to resist the mouth-watering all-you-can-eat buffet at the Last Meal Cafe. You name it -- they've got it!
Or how about a Pill for Every Ill -- a family-friendly megastore run by pharmaceutical giants such as Pfizer and Eli Lilly? There'd be something for everyone. Drop those overactive youngsters off in Ritalinland -- there's not much for them to do, but they won't really care. And for your moody teens, there's the Prozac Pizza Parlor -- just one slice, and their troubles melt away.
Mom and Dad can then chill out at the No Angst Lounge with a soothing "smart cocktail" spiked with Valium, Zoloft and Paxil. Walk in stressed, stroll out with a new blissful -- if slightly blurry -- outlook on life. And for Gramps, there's Pfizer's high-tech Virtual Viagra -- all the fun without any of those nasty, life-threatening side effects and featuring a special holographic appearance by erectile-dysfunction poster boy Bob Dole.
It's the Mauling of America.
Copyright © 1998-2001 Christabella, Inc.
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