LONDON -- Maybe America isn't ready for self-government.
goes an amusing theory gaining wide exposure throughout Great Britain
this week, where it seems that everyone is enjoying a satirical
"Notice of Revocation of Independence'' addressed from authorities
in London to the citizens of the Unsettled States of America.
rest of the world continues to take perverse pleasure from reports
of each new twist on America's seemingly endless presidential campaign
trail -- or is it "trial''? But nowhere are folks discovering more
humor in the Bush-Gore imbroglio than in the mother country that
surrendered colonial dominion over the United States following the
unpleasantness that began in 1776.
light of your failure to elect a president and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
today,'' begins the notice, which received its widest circulation
in recent editions of London's popular Evening Standard newspaper.
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over the states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy,'' the notice continues. "Your new prime
minister (Tony Blair, for the 97.85 percent of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will
appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will
be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.''
an aid to the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the revocation
warrant details various rules that will take immediate effect --
all of which are rooted in long-standing sources of English annoyance
with American imperfections. To wit:
should look up `revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up `aluminium.' Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your `vocabulary.' Using the same 27 words interspersed
with filler noises such as `like' and `you know' is an unacceptable
and inefficient form of communication. Look up `interspersed.' ''
should learn to distinguish between English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.''
will no longer be allowed to play American football. There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as `football' is not a very
good game. The 2.15 percent of you who are aware that there is a
world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
American football. Instead you should play proper football. Initially,
it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve
stopping every 20 seconds to rest or wearing full body armor like
should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any guff. The 97.85 percent of you who are not aware
that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves
lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.''
Fourth of July is no longer a public holiday. The Seventh of November
will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be
called `Indecisive Day.' "
Copyright 2000 The Capital Times