Carole O'Hare, like others who lost family and friends Sept. 11, is watching the televised hearings about the terrorist attacks intently. And like some of those who have spent the past 2 1/2 years searching and begging and praying for answers, O'Hare said she noticed a disturbing trend in Tuesday's opening testimony:

"Not one person has come out and admitted there was a mistake made," said O'Hare, a Danville resident whose mother, Hilda Marcin, was on San Francisco- bound United Airlines Flight 93 when it crashed into the countryside in Shanksville, Pa.

"When you have people covering their butts, they're not owning up to being human," O'Hare said. "People make mistakes."

Condoleeza Rice is more than happy to go on the talk shows and spin her point of view, but why doesn't she go before the commission publicly? And Bush, he's the big decision-maker. If he won't talk and take questions publicly, then who will?

Carole O'Hare 9/11 Family member

What some Sept. 11 families want to hear out of these hearings is simple: Why did it happen? And what can be done so the symphony of errors, misjudgments and ignorance that preceded the attacks won't happen again?

They don't want to hear election-year political spinning.

"I just hope we come out of these hearings with a more clear, resolute understanding of what needs to be done in our fight against terrorism," said Alice Hoglan of Los Gatos, whose son, Mark Bingham, was also on Flight 93.

The testimony of two secretaries of state and two defense secretaries didn't provide Hoglan with much new information Tuesday.

"Of course, they were apologists for their respective administrations, and I understand that," said Hoglan, a retired flight attendant. "There seemed to be a lot of covering of body parts up there, if you know what I mean."

Many Sept. 11 families already know much of the information that will be discussed in the federal hearings this week.

They've digested and dissected every morsel dropped in news stories about what happened, and they know much about the Middle East-U.S. relations in the years before and after the attacks. They know the players involved, from the undersecretaries to the hijackers, and are more familiar with the interagency infighting that hampered the flow of intelligence before Sept. 11 than probably anybody who isn't paid to know about it. O'Hare even has a copy of one of the hijacker's visas.

They don't expect to get any sort of psychological healing.

"Emotionally, we're talking about 2 1/2 years later, now," O'Hare said. "There's no psychological term that I know of for that. I don't see any closure. The only thing I hope for out of this is that we learn something so it won't happen again."

As she watched Tuesday's testimony, O'Hare called Cathy Stefani, a San Jose resident who lost her 21-year-old daughter, Nicole Miller, on Flight 93.

REFUSES TO MEET PUBLICLY WITH 9/11 COMMISSION National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice listens to President Bush as he answers reporters' questions at the end of a Cabinet meeting at the White House Tuesday, March 23, 2004 in Washington. (Photo/Charles Dharapak)

The two women speak weekly to each other, often spending hours on the phone discussing the latest Internet rumor or news story about the attacks. Or just consoling each other when one has had a rough day.

"This is our life now," said Stefani, who handles insurance billing for a doctor's office. "We didn't ask for this life, but this is what it is. And we do the best we can."

There's no respite from what happened that day. The families are confronted with daily reminders every time they see a magazine headline in the grocery store and nearly every time they turn on the TV. Tuesday's hearings were just another, more extensive example of Sept. 11's legacy.

Stefani said Tuesday's testimony, particularly by former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, shed light on "how long they had been trying to get Osama bin Laden."

But they wonder how much the commission will be able to determine given that President Bush agreed to meet for only one hour -- in private -- with the commission's top two officials. National security adviser Condoleezza Rice won't testify publicly before the commission but will answer questions in private.

"Condoleeza Rice is more than happy to go on the talk shows and spin her point of view, but why doesn't she go before the commission publicly?" O'Hare said. "And Bush, he's the big decision-maker. If he won't talk and take questions publicly, then who will?"

William Kelly Sr. spent Tuesday in Washington at the hearings. He just wants answers -- and for the proceedings to be as nonpolitical as possible.

"A lot of people want to blame somebody for what happened," said Kelly, a New Jersey resident whose son, William Jr., died at the World Trade Center. "But there's no one person or agency that's responsible. I know there's a lot of people hurt and angry, but placing blame isn't going to bring a loved one back."

O'Hare wonders if she'll be able to watch today's scheduled testimony by Richard Clarke, a military and counterterrorism adviser to four presidents. In his just-released book, Clarke said Bush and his top aides ignored the threat from al Qaeda before Sept. 11.

"To know that there might have been something we could have done beforehand," O'Hare said. "That might be difficult to watch."

©2004 San Francisco Chronicle

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