Make Mexico Great Again Also Even Though It's Full Of Murderous Heathens and While We're At It Let's Make Belize Great Too Also As Well
In case you've (understandably) stayed in your cave: The Drumpf just went to Mexico for "reasons" that remain murky. There he shook hands with president Enrique Peña Nieto, heard him say Mexico wouldn't pay for any friggin' wall (duh), and came back lying that actually they didn't get around to discussing it, all of which was dutifully reported by a straight-faced press determined to pretend they're not in fact describing the racist, lurid vagaries of a narcissistic sociopath. The press likewise gave serious attention to his subsequent snarling, raging immigration speech "just a few torches short of a Nuremburg rally," in the words of Doktor Zoom, who made more sense than most about a deranged diatribe that David Duke for God's sake loved. Cue livid references to hordes of imaginary "criminal aliens who have evaded justice" we'll boot in the first hour of his glorious reign, the "horrible, horrible thought process" behind them, his shiny new deportation task force, no doubt in brown shirts, and a woeful America like "the big bully that keeps getting beat up," which makes as much sense as the rest, though as Zoom's headline concedes, "It probably sounded better in the original German."
But then! Because the American presidential campaign has inexorably become a bad Monty Python/Dave Chappelle/Derek Zoolander/David Lynch skit, Drumpf gave us one final, surreal flourish to celebrate his now-total triumphant immersion in lunacy: new hats! They appeared on the unfortunate heads of surrogates Jeff Sessions and Rudy Giuliani, and they read, "Make Mexico Great Again Also." Wait. Between the overall insanity and the magical childlike touch of tortured syntax that constitutes that sublime "Also," we can't even. Though of course Twitter can, and did. "Might As Well Make Guatemala Great Again While We're At It!" it trumpeted, along with, "Ensure Canada Is OK" and "We'll Get Around to Moldova." Campaign officials said The Drumpf himself thought of this latest travesty. Truly, we don't believe most of what's going on here, but we do believe that. We're with one tweet: "What a time to be alive."