Ask CPAC: Does Life Begin At Conception for Corporations, and If I Keep My Child Away From Science and History Classes Will That Vaccinate Him Against the Gayness?

Ask CPAC: Does Life Begin At Conception for Corporations, and If I Keep My Child Away From Science and History Classes Will That Vaccinate Him Against the Gayness?

CPAC - aka the annual cabal of wingnuttery that is the Conservative Political Action Conference - is back, or as one piece put it, "Another beautiful morning at CPAC, another beautiful digital clusterfuck." Ben Carson kicked it off by blasting commie policies of "redistribution" that, with radical Islam, threaten to “destroy” the U.S., but he won't let them because he wants people to have "real freedom." Scott Walker boasted that if he could defeat protesters and workers then he can defeat terrorists (really). Ted Cruz proclaimed that all the CPAC "patriots" would "play a fundamental decision (sic)...in reigniting the miracle of America." How? "We reassemble the Reagan coalition." Etc etc. Blah blah. Go USA!

By far the best part of CPAC was the oblivious invite for regular Americans, just like you and me, to ask CPAC speakers questions via the hashtag that conservatives do not, as has been charged, live in the 19th century. Reportedly within minutes, the hashtag idea had gone horribly, gleefully, predictably awry. Sample questions: Which leading Republican will be indicted next? Since you insist it's safe, may we frack in your backyard? Will Obamacare make me gay marry ISIS? I've heard people will not be allowed to drink their coffee black at the conference - is this true? Since I'm only a woman, can you explain what being pregnant means? I saw someone criticizing America - does the Ministry of Information have forms online or do I have to go in person to make a report? Should minorities be required to hum a Kenny G song in order to vote? How can we make the government small enough to fit inside a woman's body? Newt, which of your "traditional marriages" would you say is your favorite so far? And, in a sublime seque to what most members of the media agreed was really the story of the day - the televised efforts by a frantic posse of Sun City, Arizona officials to capture two happily escaped llamas - Why are conservatives against legal pot - will it make you gay marry your llama? The Internet - thank you Al Gore - in all its giddy, cranky glory.

 

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