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A Better Bible: Blessed Are the God-Fearing and Money-Making, and Never Mind All That Peacey Touchy Feely Commie Stuff

by Abby Zimet

Listen up, you who are the “best of the public.” Andy Schlafly, founder of and (presumably virgin) offspring of Phyllis, is seeking to wrest the language of the Bible from the capitalism-hating hands of "the untaught and the unstable" and rewrite it "without corruption by liberal bias" - thus, a crowd-sourced translation that accepts the logic of hell, utilizes free-market parables, isn't emasculated by "'gender inclusive' language and other feminist distortions," and "uses powerful new conservative terms to capture better the original intent," like "volunteer" rather than the Socialist-sounding "comrade." The revised version is likewise v-e-r-y careful with wussy concepts like "forgiveness" and "peace." Because freedom.