With yet another school shooting, this time in Texas, legislators in that state are sensibly calling for more guns - specifically, swift passage of a bill that would allow college students and staff to carry licensed concealed handguns on campus. Because, college students and guns: What could possibly go wrong? Gov. Rick Perry supports the bill, though also wants more prayer just to cover all his bases. Others are suggesting helpful NRA-style tips for observers of campus shoot-outs, like secret hand-signs or white hats for good guys and thin dark mustaches for bad guys. Similarly, in the wake of another gorilla attack at a local mall and subsequent skyrocketing gorilla sales, The Onion persuasively quotes responsible gorilla owners who argue that the tragedy would never have happened if everyone at the mall had a gorilla, because "you never know when you’ll need to use a gorilla to save your life.”

“Listen, it’s my God-given right as an American to have the freedom to own a gorilla to protect myself and my family,” said James Harrington, who said he personally owns 12 different gorillas of various sizes but keeps them “safely locked away in (my) home."