In a stunning but long overdue move, authorities have arrested all 535 members of Congress on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, saying they are responsible for "the deaths of millions of Americans at various times and in various locations since the late 18th century." If convicted, they collectively face over 800 million years in prison. Obviously, they all pleaded innocent. From The Onion.

“From providing substandard health care to American citizens; to poor regulation of potentially lethal products such as cigarettes, assault weapons, and various pharmaceuticals; to embroiling the nation in numerous foreign wars, the case against Congress is really about as airtight as it gets.”