More Pink Lady Crap, or How Heroic BIC Rescued Delicate Womankind With Her Love of Sparkles and Bunnies From the Awful Burden of Bulky Man Pens

More Pink Lady Crap, or How Heroic BIC Rescued Delicate Womankind With Her Love of Sparkles and Bunnies From the Awful Burden of Bulky Man Pens

by
Abby Zimet

Capitalism Never Sleeps Dept: Okay ladies, never mind we have to deal with Mssrs. Akin, Mourdock et al. Now we have this: A deluge of dainty, usually pink lady products especially designed for our wee little womanly hands and brains. From chocolate to steakhouses to beer to beef jerky for "the gal on the go” to Japan's new Honda Fit She's (insert heart for apostrophe) in pink or "eyeliner brown," with windshield that prevents wrinkles and lights with "tutti-frutti-hued chrome." The best is the new BIC For Her, pens in pink and purple  with “sleek silhouette and jeweled accents." They have inspired some of the most down-and-dirty, creative, hilarious customer reviews, ever - from "It is almost as if my very womanhood calls out to objects of this color" to "This is the most uncomfortable tampon I have ever used" to "If Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters, George Eliot and Mary Shelley had the BIC For Her Amber Medium Ballpoint Pen (in pink), they would have written hundreds more books!" Much more. Ellen Degeneres has a swell time, too.

"I have asked my husband if I am allowed these. He says that my weekly allowance for lady things is sufficent, and that 'If there is any writing to be done, I will do it thank you."...I realised of course that he is right as in all things. This is an unobtainable dream, and I will stick to my pink crayons."

More from Amazon reviews:

"I always have difficulty with that little clicky thing at the bottom... Can never really work out what it's for although my husband tells me it's a special way that men have for pushing up the ink filled tube in order that the pens write. Not being a man myself, I have obviously never been privvy to that little secret."

"Everyone knows that when a woman gets her period, she is unable to maintain her grip on larger, manly sized pens due to loss of blood platelets....Now I can write my grocery lists and love letters to my husband, no matter what time of the month it is! No more heavy, regular man pens for me!!!"

"I don't use pens much - mostly to write the name of my crush on a piece of paper and draw hearts around it. While they look pretty and well-suited for this kind of day-dreaming, I was very disappointed that the ink was of such a manly colour - shouldn't girls write in pink? I still gave it 4 stars, though, because I'm sure the men at BIC had something very clever in mind that my tiny little woman brain cannot grasp."

"Normally I only use pens designed and created for real men, in colours appropriate to such instruments of masculinity - black like my chest hair or blue like the steely glint of my eyes...imagine when, upon taking delivery of another shipment of motorbike parts and footballs, I reached for and grasped (a `BIC for Her)...  I knew something was wrong when I had to physically restrain my hands, gnarled and worn from a lifetime of rock-climbing and shark wrestling, from crushing the fragile implement like a Faberge egg...Normally my hand writing is defined and strong, as if chiselled in granite by the Greek gods, however upon signing my name I noticed that my signature was uncharacteristically meandering and looping. More worryingly the dots above the I's manifested themselves as hearts...with a smiley face and kisses. Obviously I had no choice but to challenge the delivery man to a gun fight on the rim of an erupting volcano in order to reassert my dominance. Had I not won this honourable duel this particular mistake might have resulted in a situation that no amount of expensive single malt whiskey and Cuban cigars could banish."

"Wow!! Where do I start?! I just can't believe that I somehow managed to get by my whole life using boy-coloured pens which are made for boy hands! The BIC For Her Amber Medium Ballpoint Pen (in pink) has made such a difference to my life. Just last week I had to sign my name, but I had one of those regular boy pens, and I got all the letters muddled up and they weren't even all on the page! LOLs! But when I tried writing my name today it was just incredible!!! All the letters were in the right order... and they all fitted on the page! It took me a whole 12 minutes less too, and now I can dedicate all this spare time to cooking, hoovering, ironing..."

"How can I extol these miraculous gifts to Womankind enough? All of my writing experiences up until now have consisted of trying to wrap my dainty lady hands around robust, manly pens and failing miserably. Their harsh, heavy colors blinded my delicate lady eyes, and their mighty weight was too tremendous for my weak lady constitution. .. After too many fruitless hours spent fainting after trying to take up the pen (I) thrust aside these implements of manly expression...But now, BIC has saved me! With these easy-to-manage lady pens, I too can record my grocery lists and the agenda for my weekly sewing circle!"

"I had returned home from a most trying day of bear hunting, having only slain three bears - two with my bare hands, the other with a gun - when I realized I needed to make note of my limited success. Searching high and low, I could not find my usual quill, calligraphy pen, or even my normal BIC. I shouted for my fiance, hoping her simple mind could grasp the concept of "pen". Lo and behold, what happened? She brings me...this...ABOMINATON. A pen...FOR HER! After berating her and sending her to the kitchen to make me a sandwich, followed by going to the bedroom to lie there quietly for relations, I sighed heavily and began to use the bizarre tool. Immediately, I noticed many horrific things.... The more I used the confounded thing, the more I began to feel...pretty. Images of furry creatures crept into my peripheral, and suddenly I had a desire to write my darling's name in cursive repeatedly down the page...
Worse yet, I began to feel that my manly stubble was so...icky...and that a shave and a lavender bath with jasmine candles would be just the thing to take the edge off."

"Pray, what is a 'pen'? I do like it so, because it is so pink, but I remain ignorant as to its practical use. Father says not to ask questions because it might give me wrinkles, and to carry on practising my charming giggle.... Does one place it delicately in the hair? Could one perhaps keep it in a box and take it out to peer at on occasion, when Father is busy in the library (wherever that is)?...I am frightened and cautious as well as capricious and flighty, such as only a woman can be. Upon consultation with my conscience, I cannot in all good faith acquire such an item without being fully apprised as to its application... I fear I have been enticed into unhealthy enquiry by the dazzling genius of the manufacturer. In colouring this object so, he has perhaps some deviant purpose in mind... I shall not be tempted. I shall not enquire nor express any future enquiry as to the purpose of the pink pen. I shall endeavor henceforth to merely collect other pink objects: shells, ribbons and pretty trinkets such as might be suitable for a girl of marriagable age and limited mental capacity."

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